Who says I can't be both?

[Feminism is] a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.

- Pat Robertson

I became a feminist as an alternative to becoming a masochist.

- Sally Kempton

He had to go and throw the child-killing in there, didn't he? I'm guessing he pretty much fails to notice that the women who tend to off their kids are usually from traditional, conservative, red-state communities, and that it was the conformity and religious dogma that drove them insane.

I took a class on the Anthropology of Reproduction, which was terrific. One article we read tried to argue that the urge to kill one's children is a normal one that some women experience, and not a sign of mental illness. But the examples that were used did not support that argument very well at all. My assessment was that it was evidence that the medical establishment fails to catch life-threatening problems before they erupt, particularly when a psych consult is what's needed. Yes, I firmly believe in the controversial assertion that the urge to kill one's own child is a sign of mental illness. Yes, mothers and fathers get frustrated and make idle threats. But when actual abuse begins, help is needed. And the people who deliberately set out to KILL do it calmly and quietly, assuring the children all the while that they're "better off." That's just creepy.

For the most part, I don't have a problem with any of the other terms. I am of the opinion that a little socialism never hurt anybody. Canada and Sweden seem to be doing ok. Witchcraft and lesbianism are just fine. I don't know about destroying capitalism, but it could stand to have a few rocks thrown at it from time to time.

"Anti-family" is one of those terms that gets used as a shorthand for "not one of us". And here it's linked with the leaving of husbands, which I think puts it in its correct context for once. Mr. Robertson (to me he is anything but reverend) means that there's one right way to have a family, and that way involves a woman doing all of the unpaid labor, with no means to achieve any sort of independence. She can't leave, though she may very well want to. But even that will be taken care of by indoctrinating her thoroughly with the belief that she is a wicked, inferior creature, that her worth as a human being depends upon dutifully filling the role of wife and mother, and that women who seek anything else in life are wretched whores who only think they're happy.

So I can see how someone would think that signing up for this type of insanity makes one a masochist. I'm fairly certain that Mr. Robertson would find any family involving consensual masochism wrong and bad. And he would fervently deny that there's anything at all soul-crushing, debasing or unjust about the life he prescribes for women. Of course he would. It's a way of relating to the world that allows him and men like him to feel powerful and righteous. Men are, in his world, entitled to authority over women, with which they elicit service, sexual access, and frequently, a blind eye to extra-marital recreation.

I've run across a few people in the BDSM world who don't seem to have ever truly confronted this reality, and allow it to continue as part of their BDSM life. In fact, I ran into a few people early in my exploits who asked me point blank, "How can you be a feminist and a female submissive?" And I've met more than a few male Dominants who don't particularly like women and think that Dominance means getting to be an asshole without consequences.

I find myself needing to ask, then, what does it mean to be a masochist? I've never fully embraced that title. In the context of BDSM it refers mainly to physical pain, and while I certainly can get kicks from it, it's not my first love. But taken to its logical conclusion, wouldn't a true masochist subject themselves to more intense horrors than spankings? Yes, there is a whole panoply of physical torture that gets used. But I'm thinking about other kinds of torture. Wouldn't the worst torture be to never realize their desires at all? Or what about spending every Saturday in line at the DMV for no good reason? I should really stop here.. people might be getting ideas.

Are the women who pursue a life of children, church and nothing else masochistic? Surely there is something sad and self-loathing about buying the line that you're the inferior of the species and fated to live a wretched life to atone for original sin. Not to mention the hysterical fear of anything to do with your lady parts, such that all female pleasure must be abolished so that sex is reserved only for keeping a man happy and giving him babies. Now THAT is masochism.

So, in that sense, my pursuit of BDSM, including the practice of submission, is anything but masochistic. It fulfills needs and excites me sexually on a level that nothing else can touch. But I could never, ever submit for a man who thinks I must do it because I have girl parts. Please. That's just dumb. Anyone who believes that all women are supposed to be submissive should meet some friends of mine. Preferably while tied up. And helpless. Come to think of it, I wouldn't have a problem messing with them myself. Of course, it would probably turn out that they secretly want to submit. Or be gay. Not that those two are at all connected. It's just how it seems to work out these days.

To sum up, there is nothing anti-feminist about a woman pursuing what she wants in life, with this caveat - we must be mindful that the system in which we live will try to convince us to do things that are not in our best interest. I have yet to discover a way in which BDSM is bad for me. Sometimes we have to be very careful, or we'll find that our dignity and humanity have been compromised. I'm as sex-positive as they come, and I still don't much care for Hooters, or Girls Gone Wild, or beauty pageants. Very little dignity involved there. But there's nothing undignified about a woman being sexual in a way that makes her feel fulfilled. It is the freedom women have far too long been denied - to be sexual in our own way, for our own pleasure.