Trial and Error

Or, Bad Experiences I've Learned From

Right after I moved to my current town and started graduate school, I went through a phase of prolific experimentation. In some ways it was a halcyon time. I had a fellowship, 3-4 classes a term and nothing else to do. I had my own apartment, a small one-bedroom in the heart of town with no parking. Whenever I made a date with anyone, I asked them to come to my part of town, since there were plenty of places to go within walking distance. Of course, this meant that my home was within walking distance when we were through. Sometimes this was a bonus, and at other times it meant that I didn't have to worry about bringing cab fare.

Bad Experience #1 - The Psycho

He had a converted warehouse loft apartment. He built equipment in his spare time. Unfortunately, he was incredibly unstable. He disrespected my limits and eventually I safeworded during sex because he apparently got off on making me insult myself and wouldn't have sex with me unless I was calling myself a dumb c-word. Then he got upset. Can't say that I wouldn't be upset in that situation, but I think he had far more serious issues than most people in the scene. I'm not usually the type to tell people to get out of the kink pool - we're all adults here. But I don't think it was safe for him to be playing with anyone, let alone a newbie.

On the other hand, there were things we did together that I still remember as being incredibly hot. In a lot of ways it was close to my fantasies. But then, it was also an object lesson in how fantasies sometimes cannot cross over into reality - or, if they can, maybe they shouldn't.

He told me when to show up, and when I arrived, he immediately put me in cuffs and tied my hands up over my head in his doorway while he went and got his things ready. He also tied me in a chair and made me watch bondage porn. He certainly made me feel objectified and used, which is perhaps my greatest poison. But he was incapable of providing anything resembling aftercare or affection, or even friendship or concern. As much as I might fantasize about being used, the fact that I'm human and not completely messed up in the head means I have other needs, too.

Bad Experience #2 - Under the Host

You know how people make jokes about drinking so much they end up under the host?

Well, I didn't have anything to drink. Of course I didn't - it was a play party. My first, to be exact. I played at my first party, and then some.

The details aren't important. The moral of the story is that when a man says, "oh don't worry, she's cool with it," he should not be trusted.

I didn't know from D/s at the time. I knew I wanted to be tied up and played with, and that was about it. Over the following year or so I was introduced to a number of D/s practitioners and given a number of spiels about what it means and so on... and Gor. Don't talk to me about Gor unless you're ready to hear some very foul language. But this experience was an object lesson in the potential conflict between D/s and reality. If one says, "i am completely owned and He has the final say in all things," there are some things one would hope are off the menu, but ultimately, if the feeling of consensual non-consent is what makes them happy, why bother them.

Unless, of course, one is talking about the privileges of the Dominant. Does final say in all things mean the Dominant has the privilege of playing with or fucking whomever he chooses, even if the submissive does not like it? In reality, every couple should negotiate this for themselves, obviously. But I just have a hard time stomaching the self-righteous blather of submissives who claim to be completely owned, Total Power Exchange, slaves, what have you, especially when they expect monogamy. If it's not your choice, it's not. your. choice. But if it IS your choice, own that. If you're not willing to do D/s with someone who isn't monogamous, you have the right to make that exception. Just don't go around calling it TPE or lording over others how utterly submissive you are.

For my part, my position on other women has always been that I don't mind, as long as he's willing to share them with me. And yet I've tended to end up with men who don't want to avail themselves of that possibility. Such is life.

Bad Experience #3 - "I just washed these sheets"

I had a date. And I missed it, because I got lost. So I went home and ate some mac and cheese. I didn't have a cell phone. I didn't even have his number, but he had mine.

So he called me and said, what happened? I told him I got lost. He offered to try again. So I drove up to the place I was now able to locate and we had a drink.

He was nice enough, and I was frustrated by the getting lost situation, so we went back to my house and got naked.

Boy, did I regret that. He smelled SO BAD. It was really gnarly. During the act I was actually thinking, "I just washed these sheets."

After he left, I literally vomited. It might have been the mac n cheese. But I had no desire to ever see him again. So much for one night stands being fun.