Um... do what now?

This article was also discussed on Mistress Matisse's blog, and I have to say I agree with her 100%.

I'm 31 years old. I haven't given up the idea that I may have a child or two someday, but it's not the highest priority in my life. I will absolutely never, ever subject any child of mine to what I went through, namely, a truly terrible father and a mother who concealed the truth about him for years. I have always sworn that the children I bear, if any, will have a good father. And I am sticking to that.

But while childbearing comes with time limits, I believe that finding love is less constricted. Those of us who seek more specialized types of relationships have an even smaller pool to choose from. Nonetheless, I've known plenty of people my age and older who have found wonderful kinky relationships. Those women who hit 35 and say there are no men left are ignoring several important factors: 1) if you are only interested in older men, you are fighting an uphill battle, 2) women who are sexually interesting have a huge advantage, and 3) divorcees should not be discounted automatically, although a divorcee with no insight into why they are divorced is a problem.

I have never been married. But I did spend five years in a relationship that had some serious drawbacks. We lived together long enough that, on a practical level, we were fairly close to a married couple. But he was not kinky. And the more he tried to make the leap, the more I realized that it would never happen. Not really. If someone is going to discover their kinky side, I think it will be more of an "ah-ha!" moment than a laborious process that takes years. Coming to terms with it and learning what to do with it will take time, sure, but it's either there or it isn't.

There's a certain knowing that a truly kinky person has with another. It's the presence of an evil mind, and the ability to express it in deliciously subtle, or not so subtle, ways. A kinky person will say something, and another kinky person will pick up a meaning in what they say immediately, while a vanilla person just won't get it. This is the connection that cannot be faked, and for the vast majority of people, it cannot be learned.

So, why did I stay for so long? Well, in a lot of ways, I liked him. He's a good, kind decent person, and he treated me well. He has loads of personality and is often a lot of fun to be around. And I thought that I would never find someone with those qualities AND a kinky nature. It's too good to be true, right?

Then I ran into someone. It wasn't Dr. Faust, not yet anyway. It was a submissive. I thought that I could indulge my kinky nature by stretching the Top muscle and finding a sub of my own. After all, it does come with benefits. Someone to drive me to events in other states and carry my things, mostly. The trouble was, I found someone I could actually see myself in a romantic relationship with. That outcome wasn't in the cards. But it opened my eyes to the possibilities.

Now, I'm absolutely crazy about Dr. Faust. He's just what I want in so many ways. And I know that I can never again settle for anyone who doesn't share my kinky nature. Life is much too short for that. I'm well aware that there is no such thing as the perfect person or perfect relationship. Everything worth having is worth some effort. But to settle for someone who doesn't excite you, just for the sake of being married? How incredibly awful.

To live without hope of having your fondest desires fulfilled seems like a sad imitation of life, at best. And for what? Social approval? A bigger house? Not being alone? I don't claim to have a lock on emotional health, but to cling to something unsatisfying for the sake of not being alone is exactly what I have learned never to do again. And to stay with someone unsatisfying to have children is doubly wrong. To bring children into a loveless family is unfair to both the parents and the children, and will give them a horrible example that will warp them for life.

I don't share in the hoopla that surrounds being married. Being a non-working sociologist, I have tons of ideas and information about both the benefits and flaws of the institution, its history and functions. But what I don't share is the urge to do it, and to do it before it's "too late". It's never too late. I think what a woman means when she says "too late" is that it will be too late for her to claim the spotlight. The Bride is a social construction that implies a young adult woman, looking forward to a lifetime of wedded bliss, fertile and ready to procreate. She's a necessary element of the social order - through the institution of marriage and family, the social forms are recreated and passed on to the next generation. As such, women who play The Bride are celebrated and indulged. They are considered beautiful by default, and are lavished with attention and gifts.

Who wouldn't want to be The Bride? Me, for one. Not that it doesn't seem like fun. But I'm tormented by these unpleasant things called ideas and conscience. The social conventions inherent in the celebration of The Bride are obsolete at best, and obnoxious at worst. If I should be blessed with a partner in life who wishes to form a permanent union, I would prefer to be married in red, not white, without many of the frills or insanity. Just let me throw a big, rowdy party with plenty of alcohol for my loving, insane family (they're more fun with a little sauce), and let it be for love. Anything else is a hollow sham, and never, ever worth it.